The Treasure Hunt/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ glass shatters ] harold: And now it's time for "the red green show," starring red green! What? More? Oh. Uh... "red green show," all about nature, wildlife, and how they can be, uh, killed. Starring my uncle. Uh, can't the camera move faster or something? Come on, hurry up. Starring the man of the hour. Um, uh, the h-host with the most. The woodsmen's woodsman -- or I'd like to say "the woodsperson" because I'm trying to make this show non-sexist. You know, these guys around here -- they don't care. They'd have it as offensive as it could possibly be. And it's a full-time job for me -- thank you, harold. Sure. Thank you, and welcome to the show. Uh, I got a heck of a show for you this week. Uh, we had a treasure hunt up at the lodge here and went looking for gold, but all we found was fool's gold. Speaking of which, harold, come on over here a sec. Now, harold is my nephew and the producer/director of the show, and, uh, he has this fancy little whizmo right here. Yeah, it allows me to do things like this. [ keys clacking ] [ laughs ] and thank you very much for noticing. Well, harold, you're not gonna need that little whizmo for a while this week 'cause I got a heck of a story for the fans here. Uh, we were all up in the attic at the lodge looking for old man sedgwick. And, uh, we found an old trunk, and it had a padlock on it. And we got the crowbar, but it just wouldn't come loose. So we got three or four 10-pound sledges and we just creamed the darn thing, you know? And, uh, well, when we got inside it, there was something I guess that had been made of glass. It was now just in pieces and shards and so on. Uh, got broke somehow, I guess. Probably valuable at some point. But the interesting thing here is -- we found a map, and the map had an "x" on it. You know what an "x" is for? Yes. Cue up the next segment. Uh, harold, "x" is for buried treasure. Well, it's buried now. [ laughs ] [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ who is that hiding in my bedroll? ♪ ♪ is it you, mary brown? ♪ ♪ way down where I can't see you ♪ ♪ wanting to go to town ♪ ♪ who is that hiding in my bedroll? ♪ ♪ is it someone on a flirt? ♪ ♪ I reach in and grab you down there ♪ ♪ oh, for gosh sakes, it's just my old shirt ♪ [ laughs ] this week on, uh, "handyman corner," uh, I'd like to show you that a toilet is an asset. You know, there was a time when, uh, we'd have an old baby like this, and we just would throw it in the middle of the lake. But now it's getting to the point where we got so many fixtures and appliances and whatnot out there that, uh, it's just -- you're risking your prop every time you do a power turn around the canoe club. So it's a lot better if you come up with some other use for these things, and, uh, I've done just that. Now, the... [ straining ] oh. Um... The first step on this -- after the hernia -- um... ...What you want to do is -- to get it apart -- is to loosen the bolts of it on here. Uh, you got to expect a certain amount of breakage on these. Uh, but that doesn't really matter, 'cause all we're gonna use is the tank on the back. So, uh, as you can see, I've got the back of the tank separated here, and, uh, I've attached these car seat belts. I was only sitting on them anyway. And I've used, uh, the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. So, now what we have is your portable ceramic beverage cooler. What you do is, uh, you put some ice in there, throw in some of your -- some of your favorite beverages, um, pop the lid on here. And on a day when you know you're going with this thing, you might want to have a couple of steroids for breakfast. Put the whole unit up onto your shoulder. And, uh, you're on your way. Now, a lot of guys say you should use beer for this, 'cause, uh, it ends up in the toilet anyway. It might as well start there. And, you know, when the ice melts with this baby, uh, and you want to get rid of the excess water... No problem. [ toilet flushes ] so, until next time, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ toilet flushes ] we'll be right back with the rest of the treasure-hunt story. Be still, my trembling heart. That could be arranged. You know, harold, one of the things I enjoy most about the lodge is, uh, cooking over a -- over a log fire. You know, just right out in the outdoors there. And doesn't that make the food taste special, huh? "special's" a strong word. It makes it taste burned. Well, okay, there's a little bit of -- there might be some, uh, carbonization on there, but that's healthy for you. No, it's not. It gets in your system and it makes your stomach wall black. That's why you should cook in a stove. No, no, no. That's carbon. That's what plants eat -- carbon. Burned hot dogs? Think again. There's no way that a plant's gonna take the time to put a hot dog on a stick. It would have to tear its own stem off to do that. It just wouldn't happen. That's why they have stoves -- for plants to eat properly. No, no, no. They don't have stoves for plants. Yes, they do. It's a hothouse. That's not a stove for a plant. Have you ever been in one? Well, at the stag, I was. What did you say again? It's a hothouse. Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. My mistake. "it is winter. "children rush past, pulling sleds and toboggans. "shoppers hurry by, heads bowed against the wind. "and to each, you call out a familiar refrain -- 'call 911. I've slipped and broken my back.'" anyway, uh, just to get back to this buried-treasure thing, this was kind of exciting. We, uh -- we're all up there in the attic, and, uh, we got the treasure map out, you know, and we pored over it and we poured around it. We even poured some right on it, you know, and trying to figure out exactly where the "x" was. And we figured out that it was probably halfway between the lodge and the old mill down the road. But, now, the old mill, of course, uh, didn't show up on the map 'cause it's less than 400 years old, but the lodge was there. So, anyway, off we go. We took compasses and maps and ropes and, uh, pickaxes and a backhoe. And, uh, we got there about 2:00 in the afternoon. We figured we were right in the perfect spot where a pirate would bury treasure -- right on the top of a hill, under some trees, uh, easy to spot, and only about 500 miles from the sea. Excuse me, uncle red, but there's been something I've been wanting to do ever since you started talking. Well, where are we now, harold? I'll draw you a map. [ laughs ] red: Uh, you know, hap, there is nothing more fun than fishing with your best friend. Well, this comes close, red. It's a great day -- not too sunny, not too windy. Oh. The wind is gonna come up later...From the southwest. Ought to get to about 30, 35, taper off around sundown, scattered showers overnight. Sun will rise at 6:37 tomorrow. How do you know all that stuff? Well, you got to know how to read the weather when you're a farmer. Farmer, hap? You were a farmer? Oh, sure. Back in my 20s. Bought me a little spread out west, started a farm. What did you grow? Wheat? [ chuckles ] no. Rubber. Anybody can grow wheat. How many rubber farmers do you know, red? Just you. Well, I bought me this little piece of land and, uh, 240 rubber trees from, uh -- where's that country with the things? Malaysia? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I planted these rubber trees right in the prairies. Well, hap, I thought rubber trees would only grow in a -- in a tropical rainforest. We had them in greenhouses. Big greenhouses attached to the back of a tire factory. A blob of rubber oozes in one end, and steel-belted, whitewall radial-bias-ply snow tires pop out the other. I was all set to make my first tire and turn a little profit when all my creditors closed in all at once. The only rubber that factory ever produced was my own checks. Yeah. Creditors are like that sometimes. Well, it gets me when you can't believe a word they say. Yeah, I know the feeling. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ oh, she's full of rust, and the brakes are shot ♪ ♪ the tires are bald, and she shakes a lot ♪ ♪ she burns a lot of oil, and she's hard on gas ♪ ♪ but I got 37 more payments, so I'll be keeping her ♪ oh, uncle red, this is so great. We got such an excellent letter today. It's from the yukon. Yeah, I put the stamp in my time capsule. The yukon, eh, harold? Yeah. Land of the midnight sun. Dogsleds, igloos. Six months of daylight up there, you know? Uh, they got the gold rush up there and, uh, polar bears, penguins. Quite a place. Wow. Sounds great. Whoo! [ laughs ] okay, "dear red -- living up here in the yukon is great. "the only problem is the people from the south "who stereotype us northerners. "they think of the yukon as the land of the midnight sun "with everyone on dogsleds, living in igloos, "and hunting seals for six months of daylight. "tourists ask us where the gold rush is "and where they can find polar bears and penguins. "what kind of idiot doesn't know that penguins are only in the south pole?" I-I think the main problem there is with the foreigners. You know, they go up north, and they're expecting to see snowmobiles and mounties, you know? And when's the last time you saw a mountie, harold? I don't think I've ever seen a mountie, you know? I don't think mountie's even exist. How about this, uh, this viewer? When's the last time you saw a mountie, mister, uh -- does he give his name there? Yeah, it does. It's corporal h. Benson of the royal canadian mounted police whitehorse detachment. Uh, okay, sorry, uh -- sorry, corporal benson. Uh, no offense there. You guys are doing a great job, and, uh, it's a great canadian tradition, uh, that you're carrying on there, you -- you fellas. And I'll tell you -- I'll tell you one thing, corporal h. Benson -- if we have to have one stereotype, then let it be the -- the canadian mountie in his bright-red uniform. I salute you, sir. Uncle red, the "h" stands for "helen." red: We have another, uh, winter activity we're featuring on our "adventures with bill" segment this week. Uh, this, of course is, as you can tell, snowshoes. Now, the first thing you need to do is to measure the snowshoes. They're supposed to be -- yeah, that hurt. I remember that. Yeah. It's supposed to have something to do with your height. Anyway, bill is an absolute expert on snowshoeing. He, uh -- I think he's been snowshoeing ever since he was, uh...Smaller. So, I was just guessing how to put them on. I didn't realize there was a... There was a, you know, a better technique. But then again, like, bill's been doing it, uh, doing it for quite a while. And, uh, I probably should have paid more attention to him. Mind you, he did get my attention there. But, uh, I think what happened there -- bill just got fed up with me not doing it the right way and just decided he just would, uh, do it the way I did it, yeah. Well, you know, he's good that way. You know, he's not -- he's not pushy, you know? Golly, those are kind of crossed over each other. Well, as I say, he knows what he's -- [ clears throat ] you know, sometimes, people are better teachers than they are at actually, uh -- actually doing the activity, and I think -- yeah, I think bill kind of falls into that category when you're talking about -- when you're talking about snowshoeing. Unless this is a technique that's designed for some specific, uh, environment. No, I think that's just plain wrong. Uh, one of the most difficult things, uh, with snowshoeing is turning around, 'cause they're a lot bigger. So, I mean, I was just -- again, I was guessing here, but bill has a really interesting technique. [ clears throat ] you know, if you have a lot of time on your hands, I think this is the right technique to use. Uh, certainly interesting to watch. And, uh, it does scare all the wildlife away. There is that aspect. Now, bill's gonna show you, uh, several techniques of turning around. This one, I thought, was particularly, uh... [ clears throat ] ...I guess creative, for lack of a better word. [ creak! ] and there he goes. Yeah, yeah, that worked real well. Now, here's one, too, that, uh, you know, again, a little different technique, but, you know, if you're creative and if you have, uh, a 6-foot staff. There you go. And he's right around, and, uh, away we go. You know, as I say, for me, I just would turn on the snowshoes, but -- he loved this one. He wanted to try this a few times. Ooh, uh-oh. Okay. Now, here's something real interesting. Uh, you can make your own snowshoes, uh, out of a set of tires. Oh, this was kind of -- uh, we always kid bill. He's kind of a pull-start. [ chuckles ] anyway, yeah, you can make -- you put your foot in the tire. It doesn't even have to be snow tires, you know? And then you use rope to make the webbing for it. So, we got bill's one leg in there, and we got kind of kibitzing around. Well, I did. Yeah, all right, I did. Yeah, he reached for the other tire, and he kind of fell down. And, uh, you know, what I did was -- I thought I'd have some fun with him, so I got the tires up and I thought I just would just push him down the hill, you know? Bill loves this. Aah! He really enjoyed this. And when he spoke to me from the hospital, he said, "you know, red, that was really different." then he lost consciousness again. I think, uh, the best way to talk to the teenagers of today is to just be honest with them. And believe me -- I don't like doing that any more than you do. I want to talk about guns. Now, I know this is a hunting lodge and, as you see lots of guns and animal skins around. But the truth is that all of that stuff was here when we took over the lodge 25 years ago. To my knowledge, none of our members has ever killed an animal with anything other than a steel-belted radial. Oh, yeah, we go hunting, but we don't take any ammo and we sure as heck don't kill anything. And it's not just because nobody wants to clean a bear. The truth is, we talk a lot about guns, but we don't really use them. See, that's the way men are -- a lot of talk, not much action. Just ask our wives. Now, the truth hurts, but -- but this is important -- or at least I thought it was a minute ago. Well, we won't air this one. "it is winter. "the snow is on the rooftops. "the snow is on the tree. "the wind blew down my cable. Now there's snow on my tv." [ indistinct conversation ] you know, uh, we get the odd comment that people are getting, uh, tired of hearing me talk, so we wanted to do something that would, uh, reverse that process. Harold? Okay, um, big questions, right? Okay, we get so caught up in day-to-day events like, you know, eating and sleeping and roller derby and stuff that we forget about the big questions. Right? Like, big questions, like...Why? Oh, oh, oh, oh! That reminds me of another big question. Who? [ laughs ] big questions, right? Well -- well, like, not physically big questions, right? Like, hey, I'm not physically big, but I'm big philosophically. Yeah, and my large intestine is over 10 feet long. So, you figure out why it takes so long to go to the bathroom. Okay, these are big questions. And big questions need big answers, right? Well...I got them. I got the big answer. Aliens. Yeah, aliens. We're not alone, no way. But, you know, I'd really prefer to talk about this later, because I don't want to miss "star trek." okay, okay. Well, thank you. Stay tuned to find out how the treasure hunt turned out. Big hint -- we're still doing the show. Imagine if, uh, superman ever got into a fight with anybody, huh? He's, uh -- he's quite a guy. He could take anybody, almost. Anybody -- not almost -- anybody. No, almost. Batman. Batman could take superman in an instant. Oh, get out of my face. I don't even have to because it's true. Batman is, like, phil donahue with an attitude. Don't say that. That's not even true. Batman is way better than superman. He has no superpowers. Yes, he does. He's got psychological powers over superman. Well, how does that compare with x-ray vision? Easy. Because he can just think about stuff. And while superman's looking around through walls, he could sneak up on him with brain attack. Oh, yeah? How about being able to stop bullets? You know, faster than a speeding locomotive. Give me something like that, right? Able to jump tall buildings with a single bound. He's a bat. He can hang upside down. All the blood would rush to superman's head, and he'd get foggy and his x-ray vision would get all screwed up and -- superman wouldn't hang upside down. He just would float beside him and sting like a bee. He doesn't have hover abilities. He doesn't need hover abilities. Yeah, but he can't float beside him then, see? And when he's going so fast -- he has hover -- he has hover -- he has a hover setting. Oh, he doesn't have hover setting. You've never seen his transmission the way I have. You're thinking of, uh, uh, mister america. He has hover abilities. Helicopter man. That's the guy. Yeah. Now we're out here on location with my good buddy, uh, dougie franklin. And, uh, dougie, this is a nice set of wheels you got here. Well, red, it ought to be. It cost me about $18,000. Well, still, that's, uh -- that's really not that bad for a truck this big. No, no, that was for the wheels, red. The truck cost a lot more. I mean, it's a lot of truck there and it's a big one. And that's why you got to pay more, and that kind of makes it all worthwhile. Yeah, yeah, she's big. Actually, how tall -- how tall is this vehicle? Well, I'll tell you -- I couldn't really give you the exact height of her, but, uh, I was out there on your baseline road... Yeah. ...Going under that underpass there, and I was doing about 80 mile an hour. Well, so, she's obviously not any taller than the bridge on the baseline road. Not anymore. I lost my whole rack of spotlights I had up the top and my good whirly light for accidents. I lost that sucker, as well. But she is big, and she has to be big for competition. Yeah. And, uh... You take this down to carterville, don't you? We done real well in carterville last year. We, uh -- we took the, uh, the "most cars jumped by a truck" -- by a monster truck -- and we took "most cars crushed by a monster truck." we, uh -- we also won the, uh -- the "most severe whiplash to the driver" award. We, uh, also got the, uh -- this one I was proud of -- "the highest flame shooting out of an exhaust stack." really? That one means something to me. And, uh, the big trophy -- we took the big trophy of the day, of course, which was "the largest automotive fire at an indoor venue." and I tell you -- to take that trophy and walk away from it, you know, very few people do that. We were quite proud. Well, I think the important thing here is there is an awful lot more to this sport than people realize. Well, that's -- that's true, you know? And, red, we're hoping, uh -- we're hoping to compete at the commonwealth monster truck games. You're going to the commonwealth games with this? Well, we're hoping to represent canada there, and, uh, of course, there will be monster trucks from australia, nigeria. They got the big monster trucks coming from the bahamas, pakistan. Uh, we're real pleased. I'm hoping we're gonna do well. Yeah. You know, they say that, uh, this year at the commonwealth truck pull and monster truck games, they're hoping to have nelson mandela there as kind of your grand marshal of the whole event. Well, god, dougie. Oh, god. Hey, well, good luck to you, you know. I appreciate that. Thank you. I'll let you get back to, you know, whatever the heck it is you do here. And, listen, hey, maybe down at the commonwealth games, we'll see you up on the podium singing the national anthem. Well, I'll tell you -- I guess I better learn the words, eh? [ both laugh ] if not, I'll maybe get my horn to play it. [ both laugh ] okay, red. Okay, doug. [ clears throat ] all right, harold, get us out of here. ♪ e-I-e-I-o ♪ no, it's "our home and native land," doug. [ laughs ] oh. Sorry, I was just, uh -- I'll get that down. Don't you worry about it. All right. I will get it down. All right. Watch out for the wheel there. Yeah. I just dusted her off. All right. So, uh, anyway, the bunch of us had, you know, kind of decided where the -- the buried treasure was, and, uh, and we started digging. And, uh, we dug and we dug and we dug and we dug and we dug and we dug and we dug and we dug and then we dug. And, uh, nothing, you know? And then, uh, we all kind of split up and just started just digging anywhere, you know, and doing a lot more digging. And, uh, still nothing. And, unfortunately, what happens with men sometimes is the frustration, you know, starts to set in, and pretty soon, we're just going around and whacking trees with our shovels, you know, and throwing big clumps of dirt at each other and trying to drive over people's feet with the backhoe. And then, of course, the owner of the golf course called the cops. Anyway, you know, uh, we're no richer, but we're a little wiser. Like, for instance, we know now not to dig for buried treasure at a golf course... [ clears throat ] ...When it's open. So, uh, anyway, if my wife is watching. Uh, I'm gonna be a bit late tonight 'cause a bunch of us are going down to the library. And, uh, if you notice the shovel's missing, don't worry -- I've got it. All right, anyway, thank you so much for watching. And on behalf of myself and, uh, -- harold, your nephew. Harold, my nephew -- or close enough. Uh, and the rest of the gang up here at the lodge, you keep your stick on the ice.